Holding It In

Have you ever held your head with both hands in an effort to keep everything contained?  As in, there is so much rattling around in your head that you feel as though if you don't hold on with both hands, it might all come spilling out?  Or maybe you've curled up into a tiny ball in an effort to keep every last emotion held in.

This has been me...almost every day.

This grief thing is still happening.  For the last week or so, I have felt so drained...so exhausted.  I go to sleep early and get up with the girls at around 6:45.  I have been lucky enough to be able to be home for the last month and a half without having to work, but with moving and cleaning our former home, etc...that has been most time consuming.  Then tack on grief, the relief of being done with the move, and Cora's birthday...I guess it all took its toll.  By mid-afternoon, I'm spent and my bed is calling to me.  And yes, the last couple of days...I have given in. As some other parents who have lost their children have said, "Be kind to yourself."  I am.

As if losing a child isn't difficult enough, I feel like there was more between Cora and I.  While Grace is most like me in the aspects of looks (curly hair, glasses, height, personality *to some degree*)...Cora was my mini-me.  She was a lot like me in personality, but also emotionally.  We had this emotional connection.  We had the same love language.  We're snugglers.  Even when I didn't really feel like having someone on me, Cora inevitably ended up in my lap.  We did everything together and she was my helper.  She was my 'baby-baby'.

I think parents of multiple children can relate to some degree, especially if you have two or more.  In relationships you often talk about 'soul mates' and 'the one', but with children...what do you call that?  Children are a gift, but there's more than that.  There is a connection with all of your children.  Mom's know what I mean.  Whether you have carried those babies in your belly, adopted them, 'inherited' them, or married into them...however you became a parent...there is a connection.

Then there is a different connection.  I'm not saying they are your favorite, but there is some kind of 'understanding' or different bond.  Does this make sense?  Probably not.  I would grieve no differently for any of my children, but due to this bond between Cora and I...it feels deeper.  It just does.  Period.  Even if it makes no sense to anyone else.  It does to me.

Maybe our bond is because I realized what a special gift she was...taking me to the brink of death when I was pregnant.  Exaggeration?  No.  My home health nurse told me just how grey I was when she first started coming to the house.  It was bad.

Maybe our bond is because she was the youngest.

I'm not sure, but I know that God does.  He's ministering to my heart.  I yearn for that connection again.  I miss it immensely.  And there is just no one...not one that can fill it.