Darkest Moments

I'm not sure how to word this post.  I do know that I need to write it.  This year, having started out decent, has since been a series of difficult moments.

My job, while hard on some days, brings great joy.  I love how quickly I've seen some of the kids change.  Speaking, thinking, playing...all of it growing in these children.  And me...I'm just facilitating their journey.

My own children are much the same.  I find that my job has fostered a better understanding and way of helping them at home.  My littlest is making connections and figuring things out that she couldn't before.  I realize what a precious gift they are to me.

In the midst of this, I have been somewhere in a deep, dark hole.  And while I climb a little bit out, I slide back in...often further down than I had gotten out, if that makes any sense. 

I can't explain to anyone, the amount of hurt that I've experienced this year or that I continue to feel.  Words often don't seem to be enough.  And when there aren't words, there are tears.  And tears, can't explain anything either.  While I wouldn't wish to walk in anyone else's shoes, I often wish I wasn't in my own.

I always have said that I'd never allow the 'what if' monster to run my life, but it has certainly come to that.  I've asked a lot of 'what if' questions of myself as of late.  I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I really am.  I'm not recognizing the person that I see reflected in the mirror.  I question my heart; I question my faith in myself, faith in relationships, and faith in God.

I've always been deemed 'the strong one', but, I'm not.  I'm tired.  I'm broken.  And, I'm sad.