I have decided that there is no pain greater than losing a child. I'd go through hyperemesis a thousand times over...do the PICC line over and over again...do a c-section over again with the accompanying bruising if I could just have one more day with her. Hear her tell me that she loves me, wants to hug me spontaneously, and shadow me around the house.
My head knows that she's gone. My heart does not.
I know she's gone. I was there when she slipped from this life.
Each day is new. I am constantly going to look for her because it's just too quiet. I'm wondering what she'll eat, what she'll wear, and what the next argument might entail.
I miss her little blue eyes...her sandy blonde hair...her attitude.
I miss her snuggles.
I miss her voice.
And I know I'm selfish, because I want her here...not to be in pain or to suffer, but because I miss her so.
My friends, I am in a great storm. I have been swept up into it. I smile and I laugh on the outside, but on the inside I'm crying.
Children are a gift. And while I know there have been times where my children have driven me to the point of distraction...they have been my greatest joy...my greatest love.
Thanks for posting this, Kati. Please know that we value the real you - what is going on inside. You don't need to keep up a facade. Let the tears flow. We love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Let it out for as long as you need to. It's a very long journey. No one can ease it for you, but everyone wishes they could, I know.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved Kati.