Holes In My Heart

Growing up, I never knew that you could have holes in your heart or even in your soul for that matter.  The first hole that became evident to me was a God-shaped hole.  After going on Western NY Girls' Chrysalis Flight #1, I realized that even though I had been brought up in the church and had become a member of the church, there was something that was missing.  A piece peace that was missing from my life.  Once that peace was in place, the light emanated from within.  I was a subtle Christian for those who needed it and yet, my light was still evident.

At some point, I thought that I had a love shaped hole in my life.  Marriage and children came along.  The love shaped hole began to fill in.

I read a book today at my training about keeping your bucket full.  It was a children's book.  And while 'bucket dipper' seems a bit over the top, there are some people in life who try to dip into your bucket of joy/happiness/love to attempt to fill their own.  You can equate that to so many things.  A love tank, a feelings bank...whatever your heart desires.

At some points in my life, my love tank was being depleted far faster than I could keep it full or have others add to it.  And as of last year, my tank was empty.  There were little bits being added, but it was never completely full.

Slowly, life has increased the love within my tank, but at the same time...there is yet another hole in my life.

It's a Cora shaped hole.  Sometimes, the hole seems so enormous, it feels like there is nothing left of me.  The snuggler she was, her personality, even her body size...just fit me to a T.  She can never be replaced.  And the hole remains.  Even now, the hole is sore and like a wound open for the world to see.  It is sensitive to touch.  It aches. 

And...there is nothing...not one thing that I can do right now to heal it. 

After a mere 7 months...it still seems like yesterday.  I try to close my eyes and imagine running my hand over her hair...smell the scent of her after she got out of the bathtub.  And tonight, I even thought about pulling her clothes out the drawers and just burying myself in them on my bed.  I miss her pajama clad body...the footies padding down the hallway to my bedroom.  Her little voice coming in to tell me that she had helped find Sylvester our elf.

After 37 years in this life, while I have lost some of my dearest family members...those who I certainly miss because they're gone (yep Papa...I surely do!)...there is nothing so far in this life that can compare to losing Coraline.

My Cora shaped hole will forever be.