Noah and Storms

We headed to church on Sunday and I am so thankful that we did.  I've heard a lot of sermons in the last several months, but the one on Sunday, really hit home.

It's a series...on storms.  Storms in our lives.  We may all be living in our own personal storm, but my personal storm is losing my sweet Cora.  The pastor talked about Noah and his ark.  She asked us if we had really thought about Noah sitting on the ark. I mean, we know that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.  Then Noah sat on the boat for another 150 days.

So let's think about this for a bit...even if you're not religious.  Forty days.  Forty nights.  Nothing but rain. You're sitting on this enormous boat with your family...and...2 of every creature/beast on the earth.  If you are like me, being cooped cozied up with my family for 40...yes FORTY days and nights in a huge boat...things could get mighty dicey.  Then tack on the fact that your boat is also loaded up with animals. AND you get to just sit there on the water, in the boat, with your family...and the animals for another 150 days??  Yeah wow!  And Noah?  He was wondering where God was in it all.

I'm pretty sure that I'm a bit like Noah right now.  Only, I'm not on a boat, it hasn't been raining for 40 days/nights, and I'm not stuck with a boatload *literally* of animals and my family.

I do know though, that the rain and waves still come.  In the off times, I'm sitting on the boat with no waves and in that 150 day period, wondering where God is in it all.

I've talked about that dreaded 'what-if' monster before.  And apparently, as a grieving parent, it's quite normal.  I've been swimming in what-ifs quite a bit lately and beating myself up over things that were really out of my control.  But as a mom, I want to be able to control everything.  I want to be able to do everything I can for my children...make sure they are healthy, eat healthy, and are taken care of.  When you lose a child, you feel like you have failed them.  That somehow, you weren't able to do exactly what it is you, as a mom, are supposed to do.

And so I question. I blame myself for not being able to be in two places at once.  And wonder...where is God in all of it?

Today is Cora's 3 month angelversary and it stings.  I talked to my doctor today and as I cried, she told me that everything that I am experiencing, questioning, and fighting is all normal.  She also told me that my 'job' of grieving is to be done in community.  She compared our 'mourning' here in America to that of other countries where they wail.  She believes that we tend to have it a bit backwards.  I also think that I tend to hold things back because, well...I feel guilty burdening people with my grief.  One of the biggest things she said to do?  She said to keep telling stories.  Even if I have told the story 29 times...tell it 29 more times.

I miss my Cora...my wash belly *my friend from Jamaica says that it means that the last baby you had in your belly*.  And she certainly has held a special place in my heart.