Darkest Moments

I'm not sure how to word this post.  I do know that I need to write it.  This year, having started out decent, has since been a series of difficult moments.

My job, while hard on some days, brings great joy.  I love how quickly I've seen some of the kids change.  Speaking, thinking, playing...all of it growing in these children.  And me...I'm just facilitating their journey.

My own children are much the same.  I find that my job has fostered a better understanding and way of helping them at home.  My littlest is making connections and figuring things out that she couldn't before.  I realize what a precious gift they are to me.

In the midst of this, I have been somewhere in a deep, dark hole.  And while I climb a little bit out, I slide back in...often further down than I had gotten out, if that makes any sense. 

I can't explain to anyone, the amount of hurt that I've experienced this year or that I continue to feel.  Words often don't seem to be enough.  And when there aren't words, there are tears.  And tears, can't explain anything either.  While I wouldn't wish to walk in anyone else's shoes, I often wish I wasn't in my own.

I always have said that I'd never allow the 'what if' monster to run my life, but it has certainly come to that.  I've asked a lot of 'what if' questions of myself as of late.  I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I really am.  I'm not recognizing the person that I see reflected in the mirror.  I question my heart; I question my faith in myself, faith in relationships, and faith in God.

I've always been deemed 'the strong one', but, I'm not.  I'm tired.  I'm broken.  And, I'm sad.

I'm A #9 and an ISFJ

Often in life, you learn more about yourself, who you are, what makes you tick. It has become clear that I am made to be a doormat. No matter how hard I try not to be, this is my nature.

With that said, it's hard being a people pleaser. You live a life trying to make everyone else happy and often ignore your own happiness. After a while, you get tired. You might even take more time for yourself and that makes you look selfish. When others try to make you happy, you aren't even sure what makes you happy anymore. It's one day followed by another.

I often think that my emotions are so strong, they can't be merely contained within me. And yet, they are. I often have a hard time sharing those feelings. I dislike confrontation with a passion. If you confront me, I may dance around it. I may not have a straight answer. That goes along with the fact that making a solid decision on anything, is extremely difficult for me without a lot of thought in regards to the subject at hand. I am a natural observer.

So where does the #9 come from? This gives you a brief overview of me.  And the ISFJ?  This is again me.  If you're expecting me to change, forget it.  I think this is so engrained in me, that it would be difficult to see change.  And again, change is hard for me.

And so, life continues.

Beautiful Things

Searching, yearning to know what it is that I'm supposed to see.  There's far too much for my heart to hold.  I can't seem to keep my focus.

This song, expresses what's in my heart.

Emptiness

I am empty Lord,

like this tree.

Calling out to you,

so innocent and free.

You lift me up,

and hold my hand.

You'll do great things

and make me whole again.

Why the pain?

Why so much?

I've got it now!

It's in your touch.

You're standing at the top

of my deep, dark hole,

calling out,

to the depths of my soul.

You are here,

to pull me out

to stand up tall,

not to sulk and pout.

Shine your light Lord,

in this hole here,

so I can see the rope,

to climb on out,

without any fear.

Your Love

Your love is washing over me like the ripples on the water.  It speaks to me, calming the innermost places of my heart.  "Be still, daughter, and listen to me.  Come closer to me."  You are drawing me in tenderly-seeking to comfort my soul; ministering to every part of me.  You can mend all things-with your physician's hand, you stitch me back together-slowly and methodically.  I need to be still in your care, while you continue to mend-for it will take time to heal.  Stay with me and comfort me while I wait on you.

Purpose

My heart is aching

from the past.

Life has been buried deep,

deep within my soul.

A longing lays in wait,

a longing for love, joy, acceptance,

and a sense of belonging.

These seem like such simple things,

but living without,

can hurt after a time.

Maybe if I were a more callous person-

maybe if I was more skeptical or uncaring-

these things wouldn't matter.

I know there is some special purpose,

for being who I am and the way that I am, but God?

I can't see it!

Let Him Speak

Let Him Speak

The wind is whispering

through the leaves.

Oh God, what is it?

What are you saying to me?

I'm searching in the darkness,

searching for Your face.

Where is life heading?

What is my place?

Somehow I lost sight of you.

Show me your love-

that which is noble, and true.

Here I am Lord,

quiet before you-listening for your voice

on wings like eagles,

waiting to sore.

Let your voice be the wind,

that lifts me up

and gives me the strength again.

©KI--2013