Amplified Grief

I'm going to start this post by defining the word 'amplified' by using the first definition of the root word 'amplify' from dictionary.com:  to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.  So, how, might you ask, is your grief being amplified?

Well, as my grief still yet lingers over my sweet Cora leaving this earth, another dearest of my loves will be joining her...far too soon for me.

There is this woman who has been a part of my life since before my birth.  She's been there to nurture me just as much as my mother.  She has always been firm, but loving.  She is if nothing else, to the point.  There's no beating around the bush with her.  

There were sleepovers.  She made clothes for us.  She can cook and bake like no other...and she whistles while she does it.

As I got older, she went to school 'Open House' with me as my mom went with my sister and my dad had to work.  She attended my performances, my parades, my graduations.  She made beautiful dresses for every occasion.  

She made my wedding gown...the girls' dresses...and oh how she toiled...hand-sewing every bead onto the lace.  She was one of the first people I called when I found out I was expecting my first.  And my second.  And my third.

When we moved to Arizona, she came to visit.  She came and helped me when I dislocated my shoulder.  She looked after my children on her own.  She has sewn for them too.  She has taken us in while the girls and I stayed in NY for 3 weeks visiting friends and family.

It goes beyond all of that.  I've called her when I needed help with a recipe, when I've been working on some kind of sewing project, wanted to know how to get xyz out of a pair of pants/shorts/etc.  I've called to talk to her about everything in my life.  For quite some time, I managed to call her every day.  Every.  Day.  Full-time work and a 3 hour time difference has made my 'ritual' slack a little, but I call her at least every Saturday.

When her husband passed away 3 days before my 2nd daughter was born, I couldn't imagine any grief worse than losing him. Then, she came out here last year to help me with the girls.  And 8 days after she got here, my baby passed.  The sheer grief, angst, and devastation that rocked her while she was here, caused her to have a stroke.  I thought I was going to lose her then.  I couldn't bear to think about losing her in the same year as my Cora.  I just couldn't.  

And now, I'm faced with it.  I'm still not able to bear it.  Heck...I'm still grieving my Cora.  And while I know she's lived a good life and she's 83...I'm not quite ready to let her go.

Who is this woman?  She is my grandmother.  She is the one I call Nana. 

100 Words

I have thought about this post, started this post, and waited to post it.  I have seen something in regards to 50 or 100 words that describe the loss of your mother, but sadly, I wasn't able to find a post that spoke about the loss of a child.  Maybe the 100 words is different for each parent and thus it is difficult to convey.  In any case, I have compiled a list of 100 words that describe the feelings I have felt, the way in which losing Cora has changed my life, my overall demeanor, or the overall feeling of losing my child. 

Here they are:

1. lonely
2. painful
3. unjust
4. depressing
5. hurtful
6. agony
7. gripping
8. tiring
9. stressful
10. unimaginable
11. powerful
12. unthinkable
13. unfathomable
14. gut-wrenching
15. penetrating
16. humbling
17. suffocating
18. heartbreaking
19. anger
20. doubt
21. questioning
22. self-reflection
23. shaken
24. crushed
25. untouchable
26. vulnerable
27. scared
28. bereaved
29. squashed
30. inconsolable
31. bereft
32. deprived
33. lost
34. self-absorbed
35. focused
36. hypersensitive
37. inconceivable
38. angst
39. broken
40. self-deprecating
41. unfortunate
42. unfair
43. devastating
44. life-changing
45. anguish
46. frustration
47. disappointment
48. despair
49. irritable
50. irritated
51. alone
52. outcast
53. self-centered
54. disbelief
55. unsure
56. apprehensive
57. isolated
58. empty
59. forgotten
60. jaded
61. mind-blowing
62. negative
63. piercing
64. quiet
65. rough
66. sick
67. tested
68. victim
69. wronged
70. weary
71. zapped
72. yearning
73. pessimistic
74. exhausted
75. turbulent
76. lackluster
77. incapable
78. incapacitating
79. incomplete
80. blasé
81. riddled
82. sour
83. grumpy
84. spent
85. dead
86. fractured
87. wounded
88. worthless
89. needy
90. restless
91. reserved
92. comatose
93. bleak
94. tender
95. frightened
96. boggled
97. overwhelming
98. vexed
99. edgy
100. doom