Monday Morning Revelations

This weekend, I hit a bit of a wall.  I am the queen quite gifted at hiding things.  As a matter of fact, I guess I am stronger than I often think because of this.  So, I continue on with life, thinking that I can handle any and everything...holding it all together, all by myself.  When I say "handle any and everything" I truly mean all. of. it. Finances (bills, food, etc.), feelings, grief, home life, children, cleaning, laundry, work, social life (whatever that is), friends...all. of. it. 

Here's the thing...when things life becomes overwhelming and I see that I can't "handle any and everything", I begin to shut down.  What does that mean exactly?  It is essentially the "I don't care" mode.  My children aren't listening to me?  Eh...okay.  Life is happening?  Hide in my room.

I don't want to deal with any of it.  I don't want to deal with life.  And, it becomes easier to hide my head in the sand and pretend that none of it exists.

The problem with that?  It does exist.  The sun still comes up in the morning and it still sets in the evening regardless of whether or not I can see it due to the clouds of life that cover it.  I can close my eyes and sleep until morning, but life will still be there.

The hardest part of being in this mode is that I begin getting flooded with thoughts that really aren't true.  "I'm a terrible mother.  The girls would be happier if..."  "I'm not really loved.  He'd be happier if..." 

And that's the other part of this "handle any and everything"...the happiness of others.  I'm holding all of this together...I'm making it work, but wait!  Everyone doesn't seem to be happy.  The heck with it! 

Somewhere in all of it...I let myself get lost.  I'm drowning in life and I'm gasping for air.

And for the first time ever, I have someone who helped me see that.  Someone who let me talk it out, let me get those thoughts out and really figure out what was at the heart of the problem.

Why am I writing about it?  Well, because I think we all get this way sometimes.  We just don't know where to begin or have just the right person to pull it out of us.

Repeating Memory

Yesterday marked Cora's 8 month angelversary.  It doesn't seem at all possible.  Eight months.  Eight months missing a whole host of things.  If you're friends with me on facebook, you know that I found her shoes in the bucket next to the door.  They got put back in the bucket, but I got to thinking...would her feet be bigger by now?  Would she be taller?  Would her hair be longer?  Would it be lighter or darker?

I measured the older kids on the door like we have done countless times before.  I had to keep myself from looking for Cora's last mark on the door.  The other day, I caught myself looking to see where Cora was in the back of the house because I swore that I'd heard her.  What would her personality be like right now?  Would she be writing her name?  Tying her shoes?  Zipping her jacket?

Out of all these wonderings, I keep thinking back to that morning when she passed...begging the doctor that there had to be something that could be done...something to save my baby's life.  And I know as I laid there with my hand on her chest, feeling her precious heart beat beneath it, that with the words, "Go to Jesus" coming out of my mouth...my head was screaming NOOOOOO!  Come back to me Cora...COME. BACK. TO. ME!!!  I need you!  Oh sweet child...I need you.

I'm sure God knew my heart.  I wonder if Mary, Jesus' mother, had those same thoughts.

Today...I got hugged by the superintendent today.  She told me that she had been thinking about and praying for me.  All I can say is...only in a small town.

Also...the outpouring of support that we've received from our small town and from friends across the world, has been by far overwhelming.  I tried to submit a letter to the editor in the newspaper to thank the people here, but I've not seen it printed.  I will forever be grateful.

I continue to hold my breath, waiting to see what the next day will hold, but for now, I'm doing the very best that I can.  Some days getting out of bed and ready for work is a real accomplishment.

For now, I am focusing on birthdays.  One this Saturday and one the following Saturday.  Baby steps as usual.  One step in front of the other.  That gives me progress.