Not My Life

I keep wandering around in my skin, wondering if this is truly my life.  I am both loved beyond measure...far more than I have ever been loved before...and hated far more than I have ever been hated before.  I'm not sure if this is how it was all supposed to turn out, but I know that God has his hand in every single thing.  And, although I feel as if I lose sight of him from time to time, I know he's lingering ever closer to my side.

I am infinitely blessed by friends *and family -- which are almost one in the same* who listen.  By friends who are spontaneous.  By friends who know just what I need *and when I need it.*  By friends who stand by while I shed yet more tears...tears that seemingly come from nowhere.

Friends from all walks of life.


I found this while searching pinterest for child loss quotes:

I'd say it about sums up life right now.  I know that there isn't another soul who would want to trade shoes with me...or even walk in them for a time.  And honestly, I can't say as I blame them.  I wouldn't want to walk in my shoes either.  And yet...I do.  Daily.  Weekly.  And in some aspects of my life, there are shoes I've been walking in for far longer than I should have.  Years.  This is just a new pair of shoes added on top of the other pair.  A pair on top of a pair if you will.

In all though, my friends have offered a comfortable place to sit along the way...a place to stop, sit and rest...a respite from this journey that I'm on.  And I welcome the rest.  You all are showing me a little Jesus here on earth.  Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

That I am.  That. I. Am.

Denial to Anger

I am angry today.  I am angry because I don't have my baby any more.  She should be here.  I don't want her with Jesus.  She should be here with me!  Why?  Why can't I have her?  Did I deserve this?  Why her?  Doesn't God have enough children in heaven already?

I know she couldn't be mine forever, but couldn't I have had her for quite a bit longer?  Maybe graduate from  high school or something??

I should be at peace knowing that she is with Jesus and I whispered for her to go to Him, but my selfish self want her back all to myself...to snuggle with, to love on...to smell her clean hair and skin after taking a shower or a bath.

I have been so camped out in denial for the past two months, that the waves of reality have come and gone quickly.  But, for the past week, anger pulled in and set up camp.  Denial is still lingering in smaller bits, giving me rest from the reality.

Forever Four

Looking at the pictures

that now hang upon the wall,

I realized at at once,

what would happen after the fall.

Your oldest sister keeps on growing

dark eyes and hair and oh so tall.

There you will be, year after year

blue eyes and light hair and oh so small.

Your next oldest sister is growing too,

beautiful and lovely

and before you know it,

I'll look back and realize,

just how fast time flew.

And yet there you are,

the same as the day you left.

A sunshiny little girl,

full of joy and laughter,

a light in my world.

You will never be six or seven,

or start school or go to prom,

for you are in heaven.

You will always be my little girl.

I will always want more...

and though the years pass,

you will always be...

forever four.

©Kati Iannello (aka mom)

7/10/14

From Tiny Baby To My Little Girl

If I had known back then...

2 days old

...what I know now...

1 month

...would I have cherished sleepless nights?

2 months

If knew then...

3 months

...what I know now...

4 months

...would I have snuggled you more?

5 months

Nibbled your chubby cheeks more often?

6 months

Counted my blessings at being your momma?

7 months

Endured your frustration with me?

I don't want my picture taken...wait!  Smile!  8 months

If I knew then...

9 months

...what I know now...

10 months

...would we have laughed more?

11 months

Cherished every birthday?

1st Birthday

And each day, week, year?

2nd Birthday

Even knowing what I do now...

3rd Birthday

...I wouldn't change a thing.

4th Birthday

Wondering Why

Have you ever walked through the grocery store and seen people you know, people who are seemingly in a blissful state with their family?  Then thought...I'm down one.  The fighting at the grocery store doesn't happen anymore.  The children in my care are approaching 12 and 8.  My nearly 12 year old will be heading to middle school, and yes, while it is just on the other side of the building that she's been attending for the past 2 years, it's a huge leap!

Don't get me wrong, the girls fight.  It's natural.  Or at least, I tell myself that.  My sister and I fought like cats and dogs until she moved out on her own and got married.  Then we became inseparable.  It breaks my heart to be so far from my sister now.  And I could never be more thankful that God brought her here when he did.

You see...it's just her and I.  The two of us.  No other siblings.  We only have each other.  And, I am immeasurably thankful for her.  While life sometimes gets in the way and years seem to pass by without the chance to see each other, we still have each other.  Nothing and I mean nothing can take away the bond that which is sisterhood.  The fact that she was here with me, by my side when Cora slipped from this life, was a precious gift.  I'm sure it wasn't the gift that she had intended to give me.  No one should have to stand with their only sister and watch their baby leave this life. 

She could have stepped out.  She could have not come at all when I called at 3am.  But, she did.

And, like Jesus washing the disciples' feet, my sister helped to lovingly give my baby her last bath, a task that this momma just couldn't bear.

With that said, I hope that my girls can see past their differences, and at some point, learn to be great friends.  Maybe that will happen when the oldest moves out and gets married.  I just hope that it doesn't take too long.  They will miss a tremendous gift if they don't finally see it.

As for my questioning...it's still happening. 

I took Cora's bed down over the weekend and cried the entire time.  Jay offered to help, but I knew that I needed to do it for me.  And God bless that man, he offered to make something special out of it for me so that I'd always have it.  While taking her bed down is a huge step, I'm not quite ready to say that I want to see it used in another way.  I've taken her clothes out to make a memorial quilt; I put them on the bed, laid my head down on them, and cried.  They went back in her dresser.

I don't feel at all strong.  It's like a series of 'holding it together' moments in amongst the 'I'm completely losing it' moments.  And life...it just keeps on happening.

How Much Will You Miss Me?

"Momma, how much will you miss me?"

"More than anything."

"But how much?"

"It can't be measured."

"Would you miss me more than you love coffee?"

"I have loved you more than I love coffee."

"What will you do when I'm gone?"

"I will probably cry a lot.  So much, that it seems to fill a small pool."

"Why will you cry?"

"Because my heart hurts and I long to have you snuggling with me."

"Momma, I snuggle you daily.  Those little thoughts that you have of me, things that are mine that still sit here and there...it's like a hug from heaven."

"My dear child, I miss your touch."

"Momma, your friends and family touch you in so many ways.  They have taken on my love and continue to share it with you."



Oh sweet Cora, I imagine our conversations.  For as much as you would ask why, I often find that I ask 'why' equally as much now. I love you Cora...to the moon and back!