I have to find a little piece of me, in a corner of every day. I still don't know who I am or what my purpose is exactly. I don't like not knowing.
I have always been a very put together type of person. No one saw the pain I was in for essentially half of my life. Yes, there were bright spots. Three of the brightest spots are three beautifully different girls. And with having children and a household, came a budget to help keep it all running smoothly.
I had meals planned for each night of the week. I had activities, doctor's appointments, and various other things listed on the calendar. I had it t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r.
That all came to a screeching halt. A very abrupt halt. A startling halt...on May 6th of last year.
Everything that I had held together so nicely for so long, all began to unravel. The messiness of my life was so evident. My neat and organized life, was not so neat and organized.
I still can't meal plan. I fly by the seat of my pants. Whatever sounds good, is what gets pulled out of the freezer for the night. Most nights, we're looking at each other going, "What do you want for dinner tonight?" Ugh.
Budgeting has always sucked, but I hate it a lot more now. This always seemed a bit on the 'easier' side, but it takes a great deal more effort to figure it out now.
I always thought I knew what I wanted with my life, and now it seems impossible to figure out. Mundane has been good for the last couple of months, but I yearn for something more.
If I think deeply enough about this...I have to realize that God is really just causing me to hand everything over to Him. And I just don't want to. *Insert toddler temper tantrum.* I need to, but I don't want to. I'm tired and I don't want to have control over it all. He's got a better handle on it than I do. So, why can't I just let go? Stubbornness I suppose.
And yet, day after day, I get up and do it all again...questioning my every move and every decision. It's not easy, but it sure would be a lot easier if I'd just...
...let go.
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