Friday, October 9, 2015

Amplified Grief

I'm going to start this post by defining the word 'amplified' by using the first definition of the root word 'amplify' from dictionary.com:  to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.  So, how, might you ask, is your grief being amplified?

Well, as my grief still yet lingers over my sweet Cora leaving this earth, another dearest of my loves will be joining her...far too soon for me.

There is this woman who has been a part of my life since before my birth.  She's been there to nurture me just as much as my mother.  She has always been firm, but loving.  She is if nothing else, to the point.  There's no beating around the bush with her.  

There were sleepovers.  She made clothes for us.  She can cook and bake like no other...and she whistles while she does it.

As I got older, she went to school 'Open House' with me as my mom went with my sister and my dad had to work.  She attended my performances, my parades, my graduations.  She made beautiful dresses for every occasion.  

She made my wedding gown...the girls' dresses...and oh how she toiled...hand-sewing every bead onto the lace.  She was one of the first people I called when I found out I was expecting my first.  And my second.  And my third.

When we moved to Arizona, she came to visit.  She came and helped me when I dislocated my shoulder.  She looked after my children on her own.  She has sewn for them too.  She has taken us in while the girls and I stayed in NY for 3 weeks visiting friends and family.

It goes beyond all of that.  I've called her when I needed help with a recipe, when I've been working on some kind of sewing project, wanted to know how to get xyz out of a pair of pants/shorts/etc.  I've called to talk to her about everything in my life.  For quite some time, I managed to call her every day.  Every.  Day.  Full-time work and a 3 hour time difference has made my 'ritual' slack a little, but I call her at least every Saturday.

When her husband passed away 3 days before my 2nd daughter was born, I couldn't imagine any grief worse than losing him. Then, she came out here last year to help me with the girls.  And 8 days after she got here, my baby passed.  The sheer grief, angst, and devastation that rocked her while she was here, caused her to have a stroke.  I thought I was going to lose her then.  I couldn't bear to think about losing her in the same year as my Cora.  I just couldn't.  

And now, I'm faced with it.  I'm still not able to bear it.  Heck...I'm still grieving my Cora.  And while I know she's lived a good life and she's 83...I'm not quite ready to let her go.

Who is this woman?  She is my grandmother.  She is the one I call Nana. 


1 comment:

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